Today I reveal the ten rules that will turn your poorly-written story into a cultural and sales behemoth. Follow these simple rules and you will stride across the literary landscape like a colossus. Fortune and fame will fall at your feet. Ready? Here we go.
Rule 1: there are no rules that ensure success.
Rule 2: anyone who says otherwise wants to sell you a book. Look them up; I guarantee they’ve written a ‘how-to’ book.
Rule 3: rules stifle creativity.
Rule 4: though, to be fair, there are certain things all best-selling and wellbeloved stories have in common.
Rule 5: like, for example, they were completed. You gotta do that. No-one’s going to raid your bedside table for that half-finished manuscript and sell it to Penguin on your behalf.
Rule 6: although I bet that’s happened at some point. If I stop typing this frivolous list and go look it up, I’m sure I can find an example.
Rule 7: no I couldn’t, though I didn’t look very hard.
Rule 8: seriously, though, getting a story published is like buying a ticket in the lottery. You might think you’ve made it when you get published, but it’s like the Upside Down out there in publisher land. Who knows what’s going on? Only that it’s loud and confusing and things vanish without trace.
Rule 9: since you’re still reading, here you go: come up with an idea that isn’t wholly derivative, give your idea a distinctive voice and get someone to make a good cover.
Rule 10: oh all right, you wanted advice. I can only offer Sir Terry Pratchett’s advice, as told to Tiffany Aching by Miss Tick, a witch and itinerant teacher: “If you trust in yourself, and believe in your dreams, and follow your star, you’ll still get beaten by people who spent their time working hard and learning things and who weren’t so lazy.”
insanemapboy 
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